Latest Nonsenses

Girls, it’s time for y’all to KICK BADMINTON IN THE FACE!

BY ANN C BITCH – AMERICAN DERBY PIONEER

One of the first Americans to take up modern roller derby, former vice captain of Middle Dakota’s Stink City Roller Psychos ANN C BITCH has some very strong opinions. Today she’s calling out all UK derby skaters as snivelling wusses…

OK, so I read something somewheres online that said roller derby and badminton are at war over there in Limey Loserland. It seems Brit derby gals are tryin’ to book up training sessions in whatever passes for sports venues over in the UK, and they’re getting bummed out to learn these badminton folks got there first. It’s happenin’ in pretty much every sports hall in every town in England, Scotchland and whatever the other bits of the UK are called (Belgium?). So I’m all confused now. As confused as a corn dog in a beaver farm. What in the sam heck is ‘badminton’, anyways?

What kinda sport could it be? Be minded now it’s somethin’ Brit derby gals are running scared of, and while we all know limeys are less than a quarter strong as any true American, no derby broad worth her cojones is gonna run from anythin’ that ain’t at least two tons of whupass wide and twice as fruity. So I’m expectin’ badminton to most likelys be some kinda martial arts ninja shit, maybes with flame throwers, circular saws flyin’ about the hall, perhaps a coupla crocodiles scuttlin’ around, metal balls with spikes in, exploding floorboards, poison darts… That kinda scene woulda even made my old league the Roller Psychos think twice about tryin’ to take the hall.

‘Cept that’s not what badminton is. No, siree Bob. If the information on the prison internets is correct, it seems that ‘badminton’ means a few stick-thin nerdoloids dressed in white, limp-wristedly knocking a plastic model of a duck’s ass – called a ‘cockshuttle’, for heck’s sake – over some net curtains usin’ what looks like a fly swatter. Seriously? Fo’ real? Seems like some joke version of tennis for the sort of folks (vegetarians? preschoolers?) who are too damned weak to hit an actual ball. If this is badminton, I dreads to think how pissant something called goodminton would be.

And y’all are seriously telling me roller derby leagues across Limeyland are takin’ to sports courts and school halls, saying “hey cobber, we’re double tough British derby beyatches, give us some space to practise in, we ain’t taking no for an answer.” And they’re gettin’ told “no sorry, me old chinas, it’s already booked, we gots a bunch of vegans in there doing badmintons.” And then the Brit derby gals, they jus’ say “oh no, not the badmintons people, argghhh!” then run outside and cry like babies in the parking lot because THEY’RE SCARED OF PEOPLE IN WHITE SHORTS WAVING FLY SWATTERS. Really? If those badminton folks tried that kinda crapola in Stink City, or any damn derby town in the States, us ladies on wheels would stick their plastic duck asses up their actual asses. And we’d make sure to ram the fly swatters up there straight afters. Sideways.

So listen up you Brit pussies, stop running scared of those cockshuttle flickers, stop lettin’ them take over your halls and disrespect you on your own territory – y’all are an insult to the very name of derby. Maybes you’re hoping us Yankee skaters will feel sorry for you limey wussbags, head right over the pond and do what we’d do if this was happenin’ in our own halls. Charge straight in, kitted up and spoiling for action, hip check and titty block those badminton guys and gals into all of the walls, then smash their nets and net posts to pieces in a kick ass whirlwind. Y’all can visuals what I mean here, yeah, all spinning Zombies, Jukes and Devil Rays chasin’ the not-even-tennisers outta there, bashed ‘n’ bruised, with a message to pass on to anyone else lame enough to own a badminton stick: “This is a derby country now, so take your stinkin’ plastic ducks asses to Wales or Sweden or somewhere like that, ’cause this is the UK of K and these here sports halls is now roller derby halls!”

It’s not like we don’t gots previous for this kinda action. Take the time Castronello’s Circus tried to block book the warehouse where West Alabama Skatin’ Sickos train. I ain’t gonna fess up ’bout everything that went down – us derby gals got a code of silence to upkeep – but it’s fair to say that, even six years later, the lions from that there circus still runs and hides up a tree every time they hear the clack of a quad wheel. Or go ask Lance Steroid ’bout the time he made the mistake of bookin’ his kickboxing academy into Skinbean Arena the same day Skinbean Skanks Roller Derby was planning to bout there – or ask the bits of him you can find, anyways. So, yeah, I think we can sort out that little badminton problem y’all got over in Britland. ‘Cept, we’re not gonna. Sorry.

Sure, us Yanks saved your sorry asses in WW1, WW2, Vietnam… but this time y’all are gonna have to grow some and fight your own fight. ‘Cause if you truly have that derby gene in you – the fighting spirit that don’t take shit from a sandwich or the word ‘no’ from anyone – then the very thought of cockshuttle flicking veganoids triumphing over derby gals will make you sick up into your own mouth. (Ann C here certainlys did when I heard ’bout it.) It’s time for ya limeys to put aside your differences, join forces – maybes even invite the French – and do somethin’ about them badmintons folk, once and for all. And don’t make me say this again, or I’ll be sayin’ it with scorpions…

Is Ann C right about British derby skaters being badminton-fearing wusses? Let UKDerby.com know what you think.

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