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March 2015: Sausages, Stares and Someotherstuff

OUR HALF-AWAKE STAFF ROUND UP THE LATEST WHATEVERS

What a month March was. In some ways it was similar to February, just a few days longer and a little bit later in the year. It was certainly a big month in UK derby. TRENTON WHITSTABLE sums up the month’s top stories…

SILLY SAUSAGE: Many derby players became sausage aficionados this month as a new lace craze took hold across the country. Although there were already 73 recognised ways to lace up a skate boot, the revelation of a 74th had everyone hooked. Supposedly the best method for anyone with any kind of pain anywhere on their foot, the ‘sausage method’ – as its name suggests – involved placing a hot sausage along the top of each boot and wrapping the laces around it. Although initially well received by the derby community, the later revelation that the sausage would need to be changed every six jams – together with the appearance of a new sausage-based catering franchise at games across the country – caused understandable concern, as did a later claim that the best lubricant for bearings was yellow mustard.

CHAMPS CHARTS: Whilst most people were rightly focusing on the divisional positions in this year’s inaugural British Champs, others embraced the idiosyncrasies of the various other stats the Champs website offers. Who isn’t impressed, for example, that Aberystwyth Rollllller Derby’s Daffy Dillinger has already managed 128 confused stares at her bench coach (CSABC)? Or that Nuneaton’s Naomi Chompsky has gone “huh?” when asked if she would accept a star pass more than everyone else in the tournament combined. Most surprisingly of all, Raw Heidi of the London Rollergirls (who aren’t even competing in the tournament) holds a virtually unassailable lead in the Best Hairstyle category – although it should perhaps be pointed out that this particular title is based on a public telephone poll, with most of Ms Heidi’s votes having allegedly been traced back to a phone in her own name.

SPOOF STOPPED: News comes in that a spoof website, which has been accused of “making fun of the sport of roller derby” via “crude pastiches”, “clumsy stereotypes”, “one very thin joke stretched to breaking point” and “too, many, commas” was closed down earlier today. UKDerby.com for one is sad to see Double Derby News go.

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