Latest Nonsenses

Skater of the Month: Here comes a real CALAMITY!


The identity of’s inaugural Skater Of The Month is unlikely to come as a surprise to most British derby aficionados. We catch up with the legend that is Chester Cakekickers captain TRIPSWITCH CALAMITY…

Hi there. When did you first encounter roller derby? It’s quite a funny story actually. I was minding my own business one Saturday when I heard some spinning behind me. It instinctively reminded me of the sound of a unicycle, and I really hate unicycles – long story! – so I swung round and decked the two people who were making the noise. Turns out they were members of the Cakekickers out flyering for their Fresh Meat tasty day. I wouldn’t normally have been interested, but when the conscious one pointed out the one being strapped to a stretcher was their captain, I felt a little bit responsible. So I agreed to show up on the day.

Was that captain you hit OK? Yeah. Couple of years later, she was fine. Still won’t talk to me, mind.

So how was your experience of Fresh Meat? You must have been nervous at that first taster day? Shit no. There was twenty other bitches turned up that day. Only three of us walked out of there, and I was holding up the other two.

I’m not sure I understand. A taster day is for people to be introduced to the general idea of roller derby. You won’t actually be fighting with the other freshies! Sure, I know that now.

Even in a Fresh Meat programme, physical contact isn’t usually introduced until seven or eight weeks in. You don’t want contact with me, don’t get on the track with me.

O-kaaay. So how was your first actual game in Cakekickers colours? Hey, it was what it was. No-one died.

Haha, that’s good to hear. <SILENCE> It was what it was.

Erm, so what has been your proudest moment with the Cakekickers? My first MVP award. That was lush!

Nice. Yeah, ’cause no-one had actually told me what MVP stood for and it never even explains it on the certificates, and I just assumed it meant Most Vaginal Piercings, and other girls kept winning and winning, and I kept…

OK. What about your international career. You were part of the Team Gibraltar World Cup squad? Hell yeah! I’ll be honest, I tried out for England first. When I didn’t make their squad I put in for Scotland, Ireland, Wales… I got so desperate I even ended up putting my name forward for the smaller derby countries like Germany and Canada. I was chuffed when I got a place in the Gibraltan side.

You didn’t actually make it to Dallas for the World Cup though? No. There was a bit of a problem with my passport. Well, I say ‘mine’ – no one told me owners couldn’t travel on their pet’s passport. What’s the bloody point of those things otherwise?

Um, anyway, congratulations of being’s first ever Skater Of The Month! Sweet. This shit does come with some kinda cash prize, though, doesn’t it?

Remember to cast your votes later this month for’s October Skater Of The Month. Or May. Whatever.

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